Ephesians 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

Introduction

The apostle Paul having addressed and instructed the children regarding their responsibility to their parents; he now addresses the fathers. Having instructed the children to obey and honor their fathers and mothers, Paul now deals with the primary responsibilities of the fathers to their children. In His wisdom, God gave these responsibilities to the fathers so that the responsibility of the children to obey and honor their parents will be carried out as delightful and as easy as possible.

Our text says, “And, ye fathers …” Paul focuses on the fathers. This is because the fathers are primarily responsible for nurturing and admonishing the children. Since the husband is the head of the wife and the head of the family, this responsibility of training the children is given to him. It is the father who is primarily responsible to see that his children are raised properly. But that doesn’t mean the mothers have not part in raising the children. Obviously, mothers will have much to do with the nurture and training of children. Because we read in Proverbs 1:8, “My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother.” Also in Proverbs 6:20, “My son, keep thy father's commandment, and forsake not the law of thy mother.”

It is true that the fathers are ultimately responsible in rearing the children, but the mothers are there supporting and cooperating with  the fathers. Mothers also have the responsibility to assist and to enforce Biblical-based policy in the family, but it is the father's task to set it and to see that his children are reared properly.

Now, let’s unpack the instruction to fathers we find in verse 6, “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”

One short statement yet it is loaded and heavy. If you are a parent, you know what I am talking about. As someone has said, “It is of the grace of God that we survive this thing called parenting. And about the time we gain enough experience we are out of job. We come in totally inexperience and then when we get the experience, we are unemployed. Thank God for grandchildren, we get a second change.”

And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

We find here a twofold instruction to fathers. One negative and one positive: Provoke Them Not and Bring Them Up.

I – Provoke Them Not

Ephesians 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath …

The first duty given to the fathers is expressed in a negative term—provoke not your children to wrath. Why start negative? I think Paul knows that fathers just like everybody else are sinful creatures and are prone to abuse and misuse their authority in the home.

The Greek word is “parorgizo” which means exasperate, irritate, aggravate, inflame. In the parallel passage, Colossians 3:21 Paul writes, “Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.” In this passage, Paul uses another word. Instead of “parorgizo”, he uses the word “erethizo,” which means to stir up, incite, or rouse. So, the command to fathers is not to stir them up to anger, or not exasperate the children. Fathers are not to irritate the children and rouse them to anger.

Now, Paul is not saying not to ever make your children angry. Sometimes children get angry when you rebuke them and discipline them and when you set up rules in the home. There are things that we tell them not to do or not to say that can make them angry, such as, be sure to be home by 9:30PM, don’t listen to that ungodly music, don’t watch that filthy movie, don’t run around with that unruly boy or girl, don’t wear that provocative dress. These things may make them angry. But understand that Paul is not saying, “Do not rebuke your children nor discipline them nor set up rules in the home because you might provoke them to anger.” He is not saying, “Do not ever do anything that will make your children angry.” No, that’s not what he is saying, what he is saying is do not unnecessarily create situations which will stir up their sinful passion of anger. Do not exasperate your children. As you carry out your responsibility as fathers do not unnecessarily provoke them to carnal anger. Do not create a climate that is constantly stirring up this passion of anger in your children which results in a rebellion. And when we exasperate our children, they can become bitter and discouraged or lose heart.

What are some of the ways we can exasperate our children? Let me give you some examples from my own experience in the past and observation on others. What are some of the common ways in which even good and godly fathers or mothers can provoke the children to unnecessary anger and even rebellion? But before we look at some of the ways we can exasperate our children, let me just say that studying this lesson brought some personal pain and conviction to my own heart, because I too had failed my children here and there in carrying out my responsibility as a father, but we must talk about these things for our own benefit and our children’s benefit.

1. Excessive Discipline

We exasperate our children by excessive discipline. Children are provoked to anger or lose heart when parents apply discipline for every mistake they commit. Matthew Henry said, “Discipline is medicine, but he who feeds his child with medicine as his normal fare (diet) will find soon that the medicine has no effect upon him and the child has no appetite for wholesome food.” There must be basis for discipline, namely, disobedience, or dishonesty, or disrespect. And never discipline in anger (which is easier said than done).

2. Partiality and Favoritism

We exasperate our children by showing partiality and favoritism. Let me give you two classic examples of this. First examples are Isaac and Rebekah showing partiality and favoritism on their children Jacob and Esau. We see that in Genesis 25:28, where we read, “And Isaac loved Esau, because he did eat of his venison: but Rebekah loved Jacob.”

The next example is Jacob showing partiality and favoritism on Joseph over his other siblings.

Genesis 37:3 Now Israel (Jacob) loved Joseph more than all his children, because he was the son of his old age: and he made him a coat of many colours.

And you know the story, because Isaac, Rebekah and Jacob showed partiality and favoritism, it provoked the neglected siblings to anger.

3. Demeaning Words

We exasperate our children by using demeaning words, such as, the “s” word, dummy, sloppy, clumsy, etc. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words cannot hurt me.” Not true. Words are like a dagger that pierces the heart and soul of the child. Parents should seek to create in the home a positive, constructive environment.

4. Constant Criticism and Nagging

We exasperate our children by non-ending criticism. If the only time we communicate with our children is when we are pointing out their faults, we provoke them to anger.

Proverbs 19:3 A foolish son is the calamity of his father: and the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping.

Proverbs 27:15 A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.

Nagging is like a dropping of water. It’s irritating. Constantly reminding them of their faults and failures can provoke carnal anger and can cause them to lose heart. When we constantly criticize and nag our children, they will lose heart and will say, “what’s the use? I can never please my parents.” What we need to do is always find something in our children that we can praise, but we must not overdo it.

5. Setting Unrealistic Goals

We exasperate our children by setting unrealistic goals. Don’t expect them to be able to walk as soon as they are born. Parents must be patient and give them room and time to grow and mature.

So, this is first duty given to us fathers. “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath.” “Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.” This involves avoiding attitudes, words, and actions which would drive the children to exasperation and to lose heart.

As someone has well said “Train up a child in the way he should go, but be sure you go that way yourself.” 

II – Bring Them Up

Ephesians 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

The word “but” shows a contrast between what we are not to do and what we are to do. After telling us fathers what not to do, Paul now tells us what we are to do. Here is what we are called to do—bring them up. This phrase is translated from the Greek word “Ektrephei” which means “to nourish”. Back in chapter 5, verse 29, the apostle Paul used the same phrase referring to the husband’s role of nourishing and cherishing his wife.

Ephesians 5:29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

Webster says that the word “nourish” means to rear, to promote the growth of, to provide with the food or other substances necessary for growth and health. So, the fathers’ responsibility to his children is to nourish them up to maturity. To bring up or to raise up a child to maturity by providing not just for physical and but also for emotional and spiritual needs.

Fathers, we are called to bring up our children that they will live the life God wants them to live and to be the kind of person God wants them to be—a believer and follower of the Lord Jesus Christ. Fathers, we are to be actively involved in bringing up our children. We are to take an active role in shaping the character of our children. We are to bring our children up because they will not get there by themselves. They will not automatically grow up to be the kind of children and adults that God wants them to be.

Proverbs 22:15 Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.

Proverbs 29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.

If we neglect our responsibility of bringing our children up, letting them do what they want without restraints and limitation and discipline, the result would be shameful and disastrous.

Proverbs 19:26 He that wasteth his father, and chaseth away his mother, is a son that causeth shame, and bringeth reproach.

If we allow our children to do their own thing, they will engage in wrong behavior, and in doing so, they will hurt themselves and others. It will not only ruin the children, but it will also bring shame and heartache on his mother and on his father. John MacArthur puts it this way: “What ruins most children is not what their parents do to them, but what they do not do for them.”

So, fathers bring them up. Now what are the tools that God has given us to bring our children up? Loving Discipline and Verbal Instruction. The primary means by which that bringing up is implemented is described in these words—in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Bringing children up involves nurture and admonition.

1. Loving Discipline

Ephesians 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

The Greek word for nurture is “paideia”. The word itself can mean training or discipline. The very familiar proverb tells us to “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it (Pr 22:6). Child training includes discipline or corporal punishment. In fact, this Greek word “paideia” is also used in the book of Hebrews and is translated “chastening.”

Hebrews 12:5 And ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh unto you as unto children, My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him: 

Hebrews 12:7 If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?

Hebrews 12:11 Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.

An important tool in bringing up children is discipline—administering corporal punishment or correction for wrongdoing. The world opposes this teaching. And sadly, even some Christians oppose this teaching because they have been infected by the world’s teaching. But regardless of what the world says or what so-called experts say, we always go to the Word of God as far as training of our children is concerned. In the words of the prophet Isaiah, “To the law and to the testimony: if they speak not according to this word, it is because there is no light in them” (Isaiah 8:20).

What does the Word of God says about corporal punishment or spanking?

Proverbs 13:24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes (diligently).

Proverbs 19:18 Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.

Proverbs 20:30 The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly.

Proverbs 22:15 Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.

Proverbs 23:12 Apply thine heart unto instruction, and thine ears to the words of knowledge. 13: Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. 14: Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.

Proverbs 29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame. 16: When the wicked are multiplied, transgression increaseth: but the righteous shall see their fall. 17: Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul.

As Bible-believing Christians, we must use this tool of discipline or corporal punishment with our children. But in order for the discipline to be effective it must be administered with gentleness and care. It must be administered lovingly. We must never ever discipline or specially spanking out of anger.

Look at our text again…

Ephesians 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

The discipline and training must be administered in the Lord. It must be governed and patterned after the Lord and His Word. It must be in the Lord and out of love, just like how our Heavenly Father disciplines us His children.

Revelation 3:19 As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.

Hebrews 12:5 And ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh unto you as unto children, My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him: 6: For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth.

Pastor Albert Martin speaking about loving discipline said this, “Unless this area is brought into line with the teaching of the Word of God in the total training of the children, it is doubtful that any other area will be successfully administer. However, if this area is successfully administered, failures in other areas will not be lethal failures, will not be deadly failures.”

This is one of the tools in bringing up our children—loving discipline. But discipline is not enough. We must not only bring our children in the nurture of the Lord, that is, loving discipline, but also in the admonition of the Lord, verbal instructions.

2. Verbal Instructions

The word admonition comes from the Greek word “nouthesia” which means “to put in mind.” It means “to impart understanding,” “to set right,” “to lay on the heart.” Nouthesia stresses the idea of “training by word.” This implies that bringing up children involves not only loving discipline but also verbal instructions. Loving discipline without verbal instructions would be incomplete. Bringing up children involves teaching our children the Lord's ways through His Word. Barnes wisely warns us that, “If a man does not teach his children truth, others will teach them error.”

So, what are you teaching your children? Are you teaching them the Word of God? Are you impressing certain truths and patterns of behavior on the mind of your child? How is this accomplished? This is accomplished by warning them and when they do right, encourage them and complement them.

Notice again that the discipline is to be of the Lord. The discipline and instruction are to be administered in the name of the Lord.

These are the tools that God has given us parents to bring up our children—nurture and admonition. Loving discipline and verbal instructions. We cannot fulfil our God-given parental duty without the use of righteous and loving disicpline and authoritative verbal instructions of our children.

Closing Exhortations

Ephesians 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

Fathers and mothers, God has given us the privilege of molding our children. As someone has said, “Recognize that the child comes to us not as finished product but comes as a product with all the basic ingredients that will be stamped as the finished product with what you put into it. Whether you know it or not, whether you like it or not, you have been molding your child. You are training your child with a philosophy of life patterned by yours.”

But fathers and mothers, let us be reminded that our responsibility to our children to bring them up and raise them up to be the people God wants them to become cannot be fulfilled in our own strength. Once again, we ask, “Who among us is able to fulfil such heavy and serious responsibilities? Who is sufficient for these things?” The answer is obvious. None of us! This is the reason Paul, under the inspiration of God started this portion on dealing with family relationships with these words, “And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit” (v28).

We all need the enabling power of the Holy Spirit to carry out our responsibility as fathers and mothers. We need to be filled with the Spirit of God moment by moment. So, the question is, “Are you seeking daily to be filled with the Spirit of God? Are you seeking daily to be controlled by the Spirit of God? In other words, are you letting the Word of Christ dwell in you? Are you letting the Word of Christ permeate and control every part of your being.” To be filled with the Spirit is to be filled with Word of God. The two are synonymous. This once again highlights the importance of having a steady and constant diet of the Word of God. When we are filled with the Word of Christ, the Spirit takes that truth and uses it to guide and direct us.

May God bless you as you by the grace of God strive to carry out your individual primary responsibility in the family

AMEN!